What's Holding You Back: Building Boundaries

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
When we are talking about boundaries in the context of people, we are talking about invisible lines between you and other people that you won’t cross and which others are not allowed to cross.  Boundaries are usually based around our values and behaviours and how far we allow others to cross those.  Another way to think of it is this; what behaviour will you tolerate from another person before you decide they have crossed the line?.
To protect your own self esteem and confidence it is important to know how to set boundaries around what can be at times challenging and difficult people – particularly those who maybe critical, controlling, manipulative, overly negative, demanding or aggressive. Sometimes though it can be as simple as someone who always turns up at your house without calling first and stays way past their welcome. People with healthy boundaries have developed an identity separate and distinct from others and are not dependent upon others to nurture their personal and spiritual growth.   When we need to absolutely put a boundary in place with someone (with kindness, love and respect but firmly), how they respond to that is their responsibility.  Many people become angry or offended, or can become narcistic and blame shift.  So be warned but be brave!

The following is a list of characteristics that show you have healthy boundaries:

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES

• You can say no or yes, and you are ok when others say no to you.
• You have a strong sense of identity. You respect yourself.
• You expect reciprocity in a relationship-you share responsibility and power.
• You know when the problem is yours and when it belongs to someone else.
• You share personal information gradually in a mutually sharing/trusting relationship.
• You don’t tolerate abuse or disrespect.
• You know your own wants, needs and feelings. You communicate them clearly in your relationships.
• You are committed to and responsible for exploring and nurturing your full potential.
• You are responsible for your own happiness and fulfillment. You allow others to be responsible for their own happiness and fulfillment.
• You value your opinions and feelings as much as others.
• You know your limits. You allow others to define their limits.
• You are able to ask for help when you need it.
• You don’t compromise your values or integrity to avoid rejection.

 
As believers the stronger we become in knowing our identity in Christ the easier it becomes to create firm boundaries.  

HOW DO I LET OTHERS KNOW WHAT MY BOUNDARIES ARE?
You can use phrases like these:
1.            I have a problem with......
2.            I don’t want to.......
3.            I’ve decided not to......
4.            This is what I need......
5.            This is hard for me to say, however I......
6.            I understand your point of view but I (feel, want, need, would like you to.......)
7.            When you......, I feel uncomfortable, so I would (like you to.....rather you did not, like to.......)
8.            Yes, I do mind.
9.            I’d prefer not to......
10.         It’s important to me that......
11.         I’ll think about it.
12.         That is not acceptable to me.
13.         I respect your opinion, but I cannot agree with you.
14.         When you do.......I feel (uncomfortable, scared, unhappy etc). Please don’t do that again.

REMEMBER: To use ‘I’ statements and language that explains how it is affecting you rather than accusing or blaming them e.g. "I love having you visit, but it would be great if you could text me to let me know you're coming."  Another would be: "I'm really uncomfortable right now having this conversation about Susan when she is not here to defend herself. Perhaps we can talk about something else."

SELF-HELP HOMEWORK
1.  Where do I currently feel I have boundaries that are being crossed?
2.  What is the boundary I would like to have in place?
3.  How will I respond to that person or situation next time it is crossed?
4.  What statement (with kindness, love and respect) can I use to respond to/or shift the situation?
5.  Ask the Lord for wisdom for your particular situation.  
6.  If your boundaries are often violated, then there maybe mindsets, negative belief systems and trauma in play that require you receiving some healing. 

​Understand that developing healthier boundaries (as with any life change) is a process, not an event. Thus, it will take time and practice. There are no quick fixes. However, healthy boundaries will lead to improved self-esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships. So the reward to your confidence and self esteem is worth it if you are persistent!