shaking the lies that destroy your self esteem

I was 30 before I really began to deal with the low self esteem issue in my life. Up till then I had hidden it under aggressive or passive-aggressive behaviour. I was excruciatingly unhappy, with very low self esteem and no confidence at all. People called me 'strong' but I was dying on the inside. I had no real close, healthy relationships. Life was awkward and lonely.  I was suffering from massive rejection, that was eating away at my soul.
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I wanted to write about rejection because so many of us experience it to some degree. I want people to come into a place of freedom as I have (and still on the journey too). At it's worst it cripples the inside of you so much that you never have an anxiety free relationship. It's a terrible thing that causes us to isolate ourselves, and it destroys our self esteem and robs us of our identity.

​Rejection uses lies such as:

'they don't really want you here (at this party),
'you don't deserve to be loved',
'people are always looking at me',
'people will only laugh at me if I do that'.

This is what it did to me for many years, to the extent that it caused me to make poor choices in my relationships. It is often an inherited issue in our life, (scientists have proven that these types of challenges are passed down in our DNA) but it may also come through abandonment and negative upbringing.

I wanted to encourage you today, if this sounds like you, that there is a way out of it. The most important thing you need to know is that you are loved and valued and have amazing things to offer. Begin today by affirming the goodness in you.

Rejection is Always Based on a Lie
It attacks your identity not something you have done. Any negative actions we take that are harming to ourselves or others often come from the basis of a lie we have believed about ourselves. Life long poor choices may be filtered through these lies which are rarely based on fact.

Some but not all of these points below, are indications you may be struggling with rejection. It's tough, but remember these are basically lies that have become a 'truth' to you because of upbringing, circumstances etc. Don't feel condemned if you are feeling this way. You are loved, wanted and valued.

This is a huge subject and I'm not a psychologist. I've written this out of my own experiences. Rejection is the 'lead role' beside low self esteem and lack of confidence, but often not called by it's true name or nature.  It is my hope this blog will bring you some clarity and self awareness, and plant a seed for you to step into greater freedom.

Some of Rejections' Characteristics can look like this:

1. Feeling that you don't belong
2. Feeling unworthy and of no value
3. Feeling useless
4. Feelings of not being loved and accepted
5. Feeling that you aren't important, nor are your needs
6. Feeling that no matter what you do, it's not good enough
7. Being a people pleaser, afraid to say no
8. Driven to perform to be loved, perfectionism
9. Find the thought of forming new relationships scary
10. Feeling socially awkward, having a normal, relaxed conversation can be difficult

I struggled with this for years. If it were not for people who came around my life and built me up, and accepted me where I was at, I would still be struggling.

Helping Yourself to Overcome Rejection
I would be lying if I said it was easy.  For me it was taking small steps of courage and discovering that I wasn't the person my thoughts told me I was.

1. Recognise that overcoming rejection is a journey and it takes time
2. Recognise that the thoughts that accompany those awful feelings of rejection are based on lies
3. Recognise that every person has some degree of low confidence/self esteem or feelings of rejection and self doubt
4. As much as you can keep positive, affirming people around your life
5. Choose one thing you would like to be more comfortable with.  It can be as simple as being the person that says 'hi' first.
6. Find an online self esteem/confidence building course that you can do.
7. Read up on or do an online course on being assertive (rather than passive-aggressive or aggressive to hide your feelings of rejection). Practice the conversation techniques.  I guarantee it will give you a sense of confidence and courage that will change your conversations.
8. Feel the fear and do it anyway.  Now I know that it sounds like a trite quote that's been around for a long time, but there is truth in it. The lies will not be shattered if you do not experience a different truth.
9. Lies are established through our experiences or because of things spoken to us. Pull your lies apart. Are they actually the truth about you. Most lies of this kind work their destruction because they involve our emotions. Try to look at them objectively.
10. Get counselling or coaching if you need it
11. Build your relationship with God strong!  Learn who you are as His daughter and a Son of God. Allow God to deal with your insecurities, and be obedient to the principles of the word of God. Become a partaker of God's divine nature by allowing Him to build His character into you.

Helping Others to Overcome Rejection
If you know someone who identifies with these points, the best thing you can do to help them is what I call 'loving them back to life'.

1. Everything in them tells them they are not loved. They need to know that they are valued and esteemed and that they matter. It takes persistence because their walls may be quite thick.
2. They need to feel safe with you, that you can be trusted to continue the relationship when they are socially awkward.
3. For you it will may be a one sided relationship for a while, it will demand unselfishness from you.
4. Providing safe, quality, one on one time with genuine praise and encouragement is like food to their soul.
5. Never make fun of them, especially in front of others.  They will go back into their shells faster than you can blink.
6. Call out the best in them, celebrate the good things happening to them.  Encourage them to push their boundaries a little.

I truly hope you have received something helpful from this blog. It is so worth overcoming fear to find the freedom of knowing who you are and feeling comfortable and confident in that. I can only describe it as coming alive and lifting your face to the sun.

If you need help to bloom, then please get help. Perhaps there is a trusted family member or friend you feel safe with, that you can take off your mask with a little, and share your struggles with. Ask them if they will be there to encourage you and celebrate your triumphs with. Maybe it's time for you to search out a counsellor or a coach.

Just know that you are so absolutely worth it!
Take good care of yourself.
​Fiona