What's Holding You Back: Beliefs and Mindsets

This blog is a little longer than usual, but well worth the read.  It is an extract from my self-development self-learning book, 'Marked by Passion, Destined for Purpose'. 
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​Beliefs, Behaviours and Defining Moments
At the foundation of successful achievements of our goals are our mindsets and self belief systems. If we believe we can achieve something we will do all that is necessary to work towards and achieve our goal. Should we come up against difficulties, setbacks and obstacles, we often see them as simply a temporary challenge to overcome and not a failure in itself and we press on towards our goal. They become learning opportunities which imprint in us ways to handle or overcome future situations in an easier and more successful way.

We can have obvious and buried or sub conscious negative beliefs about ourselves or ability to succeed and reach our goals. If this is the case, then difficulties will always confirm that negative thought pattern or belief in us and we will surely fail.  This reinforcing then tells us that we were right all along and so we give up.  
We all have both positive and negative mindsets and beliefs about ourselves and our world around us, and our ability to succeed or do well in our different life facets.  We may have very positive beliefs about our parenting skills for example, but very negative ones about teachers and the education system.  However, beliefs are not imprinted forever in psyches, but we often live our lives as if they were.  Our mindsets and belief systems can be changed.  This quote explains very well the hold and effect that a belief can have on us.
A belief is NOT an idea that the mind possesses …
It is an idea that possesses the mind!

Did you know that our brains/minds on their own cannot actually discern truth from a lie.  It is up to us to tell our mind what the truth of a matter is. Because most people do not understand this concept we often believe our own self defeating mindsets and accept them as absolute truth! (whether they are true or not).  Beliefs are not facts, they are usually an emotional response to a situation or circumstance that has previously happened to us, or the acceptance by us of someone else’s opinion (whether true or false), that we have taken on board as our own.  It may be a fact that you once lost three games of tennis in a row, but it is a belief that “I am useless at tennis”. The first is a fact and the second a belief.
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We have huge numbers of limiting beliefs and live our lives as though they were true without recognizing we are doing that. They limit who we can be, what we can do, who we can become.
Examples of self limiting beliefs/mindsets are:  I always get laughed at, I will never be able to run a business, I will never have nice friends, I can never go overseas, I should always be careful around men, people never like me because…., no one ever respects my choices, my bosses never talk to me and so on.
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The Source of our Beliefs
Beliefs are usually formed and imprinted in our sub conscious mind, usually, but not always, in our childhood.  A significant situation, circumstance, or comment may occur in our lives and based on our experience of that we then create a belief system or mindset around this and live our lives as if that were the truth. For example you may have always wanted to be a great dancer.  However, one day as a young girl, your Dad comes into the room and finds you trying to ballet around the room.  He’s in a bad mood and says something like:  ’stop that stupid dancing, who do you think you’re trying to be you clumsy oaf’.  A new belief kicks in that now says ‘I will never be a good dancer, I’m always clumsy’.  You never from then on put yourself in a position where your dancing could be criticized again. The facts are that you were a child dancing in her lounge, and it was merely your father’s irritable opinion that you were clumsy.  Any passion you had for dancing is now destroyed.

It is not beneficial to assign blame to parents, teachers etc for our beliefs. Normally, adults do their best, with their own belief systems, to educate us. Sometimes they get it wrong. But often it is not what people say that gives us our beliefs; it is our interpretation of what they say. In either case, apportioning blame has no benefits. Blame hands away our power to the other person and it allows us to adopt a victim mentality.  It is more appropriate to create self-awareness, notice the impact of the limiting belief, acknowledge it is a belief (not as the truth) and decide to replace it with a more empowering one.

Defining Moments
A defining moment is an important past event, often experienced when you were a child.  What makes the event important is not the intensity, greatness or the significance of the event itself, but the importance you have given it by unconsciously forming a lifelong belief or set of beliefs around the event.  Most adults have five to eight defining moments in their lives e.g. Julie’s partner got very drunk at their wedding and she formed the belief that her husband will always let her down at important events.  Another example:  James was told that he was a great artist by his teacher in second grade.   He decided that he was artistic from then on.

Once you have formed a belief from a defining moment, you hold on to it and search for evidence to strengthen the belief.  If you have created an empowering belief, such as James did, this is great, but if you have latched onto a disempowering belief you are in real trouble, because over the years you build up so much evidence to support the belief that it becomes ingrained in you and you don’t even think to question it as an adult.

The good news is that you can let disempowering beliefs go as we discussed above.  You can’t change the past but you can change your interpretation of the past, and you can reshape your belief to serve, support, nurture and challenge you if you choose to.
Answer the following questions for one of your defining moments:
How old were you?
What happened, who was there, and what was said?
What did you tell yourself then?
What belief(s) have you carried forward since then?
What would you have wanted to happen?
What belief(s) do you want to keep?
What belief(s) do you want to change and what will you change it to?
What will you be giving up if you don’t create the change?
What is one thing you can do to reinforce the new belief(s) on a daily basis?
 
Negative Sentence Starters
Often these belief systems or mindsets are preceded by sentence starters such as these below.  Go through the list and think about how often these phrases come up in your thinking.  Write them down, and then write down an empowering statement to replace them with.
I always...
I never...
They are....
I can’t...
We are...
I must...
They must...
My work is...
My time is...
My team is...
There are times when I...
Life is all about...
I love...
Success is...
Teamwork is...
Life is...
Family is...
Love is...
She can...
My parents are...
He could...
He is....
I am ...
They are...
I can....
I should...
They should...
I should have...
If I hadn’t.....
If only....
If I do this.........this will happen
If I try this.......this will happen
I can’t be a.... because .....
I can’t do......because....
I’ve always wanted to.....
People always notice me when....
I think people always think (about me).....

Changing Beliefs and Behaviours
Our beliefs and behaviours are constructed from our education, paradigm model, personal beliefs, attitudes, feelings and actions.  They are determined by the knowledge and information we receive about ourselves and our lives. Based on this we construct our model of the world - our paradigm. This model then determines our beliefs, which, in turn, give rise to our attitudes then feelings. These then supports our actions.
This is why it doesn’t work when we tell people to “not feel that way” or “not do that”. In order to change actions, feelings, attitudes or beliefs of ourselves or others, we must change our education and knowledge. This allows us to construct a new view of our world, a new model. This is referred to as a ‘paradigm shift’. When it occurs it allows us to believe, feel, behave, perceive and act differently.  Education, which includes self-awareness, understanding and reframing of limiting/negative beliefs, is essential. When we get an understanding of the reason for a limiting belief, we can eliminate it and replace it with one that is empowering.

The subconscious mind is simply a filing system which is non-judgmental. It only reacts to any negative event in the way that we have trained it to. It produces positive or negative responses to events based on the way in which such similar events and responses were filed in the past. These responses and feelings either help or hinder us.  The response is Pavlovian (after Pavlov’s dog). This means that it is a conditioned response that is outside our control. The good news is that we can change the negative responses and associated negative self-image, by replacing the files that no longer serve us with empowering beliefs that do.

How do we replace disempowering beliefs with empowering ones?
Persistent thoughts on any subject open up memory pathways or channels in the brain that become bigger and more responsive, depending on the frequency and emotional impact of those thoughts. Frequently we train these pathways (dendrites) with our persistent self-talk. We are encouraged to listen to our self talk, to notice how damaging it can be. We do this to create awareness, followed by action to change it. We do not do it to create self-pity, which has no useful purpose. This inner self-destructive voice has been likened to our “gremlin”. The negativity can be overpowering. It is great to realise that it is only our sub conscious mind telling us stories that it has heard and filed.

A summary of techniques used to place more empowering beliefs are placed in our minds are:
Affirmations, visualizations, positive acknowledgement, rational analysis, reframing, creating new associations (anchors), replacing it with a more powerful belief system e.g. what God says about you.
One technique you can use is to ‘catch yourself’ thinking a certain way or using a certain belief system and replacing that thought immediately with a positive belief e.g. using the example above, the next time you are asked to dance, tell your brain ‘no, I’m a confident dancer and I can do this’.  Yes, it takes a bit of courage, but sometimes it is as simple as pushing through at the next opportunity to break that cycle.

Write down your answers to these questions:
1. Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: “I will never have a lot of money.”
2. What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list.
3. What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that’s easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there.
4. What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: “I can make any amount of money I set my mind to.” Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future.
5. How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you?
6. How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process.  (sources Transform Your World, Pathfinder Programme)

Brain Washing?
Some people become concerned and frightened by the thought of replacing their current negative beliefs with others. Their fear is that they will lose their identity. This does not happen. Our identity is more related to our values in life than our beliefs and consequent behaviours.
We must remember that a belief is only sustained by the knowledge and information that create it. If we change the information, we change the belief. So, if we believe we are no good because our Mum/Dad told us repeatedly that we were useless and we now see that she/he did this to challenge and encourage us (even though it didn’t), then why not replace it with affirmations telling our mind that we are Wonderful, Amazing, and Brilliant? 

The alternative is to stay stuck with a limiting belief that could also be regarded as brainwashing. Why not have joy and happiness rather than disempowerment, resentment, frustration and anger? Changing your belief systems will literally change your life.  Obstacles and fears that have long stopped you from living a fulfilled life can be defeated.  New opportunities will open up to you and you will achieve goals more easily and often.