 At some point along the journey, many of us begin to notice something gently but unmistakably true: nothing really changes on the outside until something shifts on the inside. We can surround ourselves with support, seek prayer, follow good leadership, and still feel as though we’re going in circles. Not because we’re failing or doing something wrong, but because we’re still looking outward for a change that needs to begin within us.
So often, without realising it, we find ourselves waiting. Waiting for clarity. Waiting for permission. Waiting for someone else to lead the way or make the hard decision for us. It feels safe there. It even feels humble. But over time, that waiting posture can quietly keep us stuck, reinforcing the belief that authority lives somewhere outside of us. Many of us were never taught how to own the authority God has already placed within us. We learned how to serve, how to submit, how to seek guidance — all good and beautiful things — but not always how to stand, take responsibility, and govern our own lives with confidence and care. When we don’t make that shift, we can pray earnestly and still feel powerless, hoping something external will finally move things forward. There comes a moment when we realise this truth: things don’t change until we stop relating as servants waiting to be rescued and start living as sons and daughters who are entrusted. This isn’t about striving or control. It’s about alignment. It’s about gently saying yes to responsibility and recognising that authority and stewardship were always meant to walk together. When authority settles inside us, everything else begins to make sense. Support no longer feels like a crutch but a partnership. Leadership becomes a covering, not a substitute. Prayer becomes a place of strength rather than compensation. We stop waiting for life to happen to us and start engaging it with clarity and courage. Authority was never meant to be something we borrow from others. It was meant to be lived from the inside out. And when we allow that shift to take place, change doesn’t have to be forced. It unfolds naturally — steady, grounded, and deeply freeing.
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There is something deeply unsettling about being in the presence of someone who speaks with harsh certainty, who pushes their opinion forward with force rather than grace. Their words may be loud, sharp, or judgment-laden, and even when they are convinced they are “right,” something in our spirit knows that the manner is not Christlike. If you’ve encountered people like this, you are not alone.
Jesus warned us that not all voices carry His heart, even when they carry religious language. And yet, as followers of Christ, we are still called to respond differently—to walk a narrow way marked by humility, gentleness, and love. Humility, from a Christian perspective, is not weakness. It is strength that bows. It is confidence that does not need to dominate. It is security rooted so deeply in God that we no longer need to prove ourselves to others. A humble heart listens before speaking. It seeks understanding over victory. It speaks truth without aggression and holds conviction without contempt. This is the way of Christ. And when we respond to abrasive people with humility—choosing patience over reaction, gentleness over retaliation—something powerful happens. The atmosphere shifts. We are no longer pulled into striving. We remain anchored. Scripture reminds us that a soft answer turns away wrath. Not because it appeases pride, but because it refuses to partner with it. Yet humility does not mean passivity. It does not mean enduring disrespect, judgment, or emotional harm in the name of love. Jesus Himself embodied perfect humility—and He also walked with clarity, authority, and discernment. Which brings us to the tension many believers feel… Humility with Boundaries — Keeping Your Heart While Keeping Your Ground One of the hardest spiritual disciplines is this: keeping your heart right while drawing a necessary boundary. It’s one thing to respond with grace. It’s another to remain tender when someone crosses the line into harshness, judgment, or control. Boundaries are not a failure of humility. They are often an expression of wisdom. Jesus did not argue with everyone who challenged Him. Sometimes He responded. Sometimes He corrected. Sometimes He withdrew. His humility never required Him to remain in harmful or unfruitful exchanges. The challenge for us is not whether to set boundaries—but how we do it. When boundaries are set from a wounded or defensive place, bitterness can quietly take root. When they are set from pride, we may feel justified but spiritually unsettled. But when boundaries are set from a place of prayer, clarity, and love, they protect both our hearts and our witness. This is where the real inner work happens. Because even when our boundary is right, our heart can still be wrong. It’s easy to replay conversations in our minds. Easy to rehearse what we should have said. Easy to allow irritation to linger and harden into judgment of our own. And suddenly, without realising it, we are no longer responding from Christ’s spirit—but reacting from our flesh. Guarding your heart means regularly bringing those emotions back to God. Naming them honestly. Releasing them intentionally. Choosing forgiveness even when distance remains. - Forgiveness does not mean access. - Love does not mean tolerance of harm. - Humility does not mean self-abandonment. - It means entrusting justice, validation, and outcome to God. There is a quiet strength in saying, “I will not engage in conversations that become harsh or judgmental.” There is maturity in stepping back without slamming the door. There is Christlikeness in remaining soft without becoming unsafe. If you are walking this road, be gentle with yourself. Keeping your heart right is not a one-time decision—it is a daily surrender. Some days you will do it well. Other days you will need to repent, reset, and begin again. And grace covers that too. The goal is not perfection. The goal is alignment. To walk as Jesus walked—humble, grounded, discerning, and free. There comes a quiet but unmistakable moment in our Christian journey when what once sustained us no longer feels sufficient. The instructions, the advice, the well-meaning voices around us — they are still valuable, but they no longer bring rest. Something deeper begins to stir. God is inviting us to live from the inside out. This invitation is not about becoming independent or self-directed. It is about becoming integrated. It is about learning to trust the life of God already planted within you. This is the journey of internal authority. What Is Internal Authority? Internal authority is the growing capacity to live, choose, respond, and move forward from union with God rather than constant external confirmation. It is the slow, sacred work of learning to recognize the voice of the Holy Spirit within you and trusting that He is faithful to lead you personally. Jesus named this reality when He said, “The Kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:21). That statement changes everything. It tells us that Christianity was never meant to be lived primarily through external control, fear-based obedience, or continual permission-seeking. It was meant to be lived from relationship — from presence — from intimacy. Why Internal Authority Matters So Jesus did not come to produce compliant followers who wait to be told what to do. He came to raise sons and daughters who know who they are and whose they are. When internal authority has not yet formed, we can feel unsure, hesitant, and easily swayed. We may lean heavily on leaders or trusted voices to discern for us. Our faith can begin to feel like something we perform rather than something we inhabit. Obedience may be driven by fear of getting it wrong instead of love that flows from connection. Many of us remain suspended in long seasons of transition, waiting for clarity that never quite arrives. But when internal authority begins to awaken, something inside us settles. Decisions begin to emerge from intimacy with God rather than pressure from people. Obedience becomes less effortful because identity is no longer in question. Striving gives way to rest. We find that we can lead, serve, and submit without disappearing in the process. Internal authority does not pull us away from the Body of Christ. It actually allows us to participate in it more healthily — grounded, present, and whole. What Internal Authority Feels Like in Everyday Life - In Your Work Internal authority at work feels like steadiness. You are no longer thrown off balance by approval or criticism because your worth is not being negotiated moment by moment. You speak with clarity instead of urgency. You make decisions that align with your values, even when they cost you something. There is less proving and more presence. In Social Spaces In relationships and social settings, internal authority brings a quiet freedom. You can say yes without resentment and no without guilt. You no longer have to reshape yourself to belong. You are able to listen deeply to others without abandoning your own knowing. Connection becomes more honest because it is no longer driven by fear of rejection. Internal Authority Within the Church For many believers, church is where internal authority is both most needed and most challenged. Here, internal authority looks like honoring leadership while still staying connected to your own discernment. It means receiving teaching without handing over responsibility for your spiritual life. It allows you to serve with love without silencing your own calling, and to submit relationally without suppressing what God is forming within you. This kind of maturity allows us to be teachable without becoming dependent, humble without being diminished, and unified without losing our voice. Healthy communities are formed by believers who are inwardly anchored. Internal Authority and Spiritual Maturity Scripture connects maturity with discernment — with the ability to recognize what is life-giving and what is not. Hebrews describes mature believers as those who, through practice, have learned to distinguish good from evil (Hebrews 5:14). Internal authority is not instant. It is trained. It is formed through lived experience, prayer, mistakes, listening, and learning to respond rather than react. It is how we move from spiritual infancy into embodied faith. It is how we learn to govern our lives wisely, live from sonship rather than striving, and partner with God instead of waiting passively for rescue. Healing, Courage, and the Slow Work of Trust For many of us, developing internal authority is inseparable from healing. If you have lived under control, spiritual pressure, trauma, or environments where your voice was minimised, trusting yourself — and trusting God within you — may feel unfamiliar or even unsafe. God knows this. He is not demanding. He is patient. Internal authority grows gently, through small courageous choices. Choosing alignment over approval. Pausing long enough to listen inwardly. Risking trust that God really does know how to lead you. Each step strengthens spiritual confidence and restores integration between faith, identity, and daily life. From External Faith to Embodied Faith Without internal authority, faith can remain external — something we consult rather than inhabit. With internal authority, faith becomes embodied. It is lived from the inside out. It becomes relational, responsive, and rooted in love rather than fear. You do not need to rush this process. You are not behind. You are not failing. You are becoming. And internal authority is one of the ways God gently teaches us how to walk forward — healed, anchored, and courageous — with Him.  This blog is a little longer than usual, but well worth the read. It is an extract from my self-development self-learning book, 'Marked by Passion, Destined for Purpose'.
Beliefs, Behaviours and Defining Moments At the foundation of successful achievements of our goals are our mindsets and self belief systems. If we believe we can achieve something we will do all that is necessary to work towards and achieve our goal. Should we come up against difficulties, setbacks and obstacles, we often see them as simply a temporary challenge to overcome and not a failure in itself and we press on towards our goal. They become learning opportunities which imprint in us ways to handle or overcome future situations in an easier and more successful way. We can have obvious and buried or sub conscious negative beliefs about ourselves or ability to succeed and reach our goals. If this is the case, then difficulties will always confirm that negative thought pattern or belief in us and we will surely fail. This reinforcing then tells us that we were right all along and so we give up. We all have both positive and negative mindsets and beliefs about ourselves and our world around us, and our ability to succeed or do well in our different life facets. We may have very positive beliefs about our parenting skills for example, but very negative ones about teachers and the education system. However, beliefs are not imprinted forever in psyches, but we often live our lives as if they were. Our mindsets and belief systems can be changed. This quote explains very well the hold and effect that a belief can have on us. A belief is NOT an idea that the mind possesses … It is an idea that possesses the mind! Did you know that our brains/minds on their own cannot actually discern truth from a lie. It is up to us to tell our mind what the truth of a matter is. Because most people do not understand this concept we often believe our own self defeating mindsets and accept them as absolute truth! (whether they are true or not). Beliefs are not facts, they are usually an emotional response to a situation or circumstance that has previously happened to us, or the acceptance by us of someone else’s opinion (whether true or false), that we have taken on board as our own. It may be a fact that you once lost three games of tennis in a row, but it is a belief that “I am useless at tennis”. The first is a fact and the second a belief. We have huge numbers of limiting beliefs and live our lives as though they were true without recognizing we are doing that. They limit who we can be, what we can do, who we can become. Examples of self limiting beliefs/mindsets are: I always get laughed at, I will never be able to run a business, I will never have nice friends, I can never go overseas, I should always be careful around men, people never like me because…., no one ever respects my choices, my bosses never talk to me and so on. The Source of our Beliefs Beliefs are usually formed and imprinted in our sub conscious mind, usually, but not always, in our childhood. A significant situation, circumstance, or comment may occur in our lives and based on our experience of that we then create a belief system or mindset around this and live our lives as if that were the truth. For example you may have always wanted to be a great dancer. However, one day as a young girl, your Dad comes into the room and finds you trying to ballet around the room. He’s in a bad mood and says something like: ’stop that stupid dancing, who do you think you’re trying to be you clumsy oaf’. A new belief kicks in that now says ‘I will never be a good dancer, I’m always clumsy’. You never from then on put yourself in a position where your dancing could be criticized again. The facts are that you were a child dancing in her lounge, and it was merely your father’s irritable opinion that you were clumsy. Any passion you had for dancing is now destroyed. It is not beneficial to assign blame to parents, teachers etc for our beliefs. Normally, adults do their best, with their own belief systems, to educate us. Sometimes they get it wrong. But often it is not what people say that gives us our beliefs; it is our interpretation of what they say. In either case, apportioning blame has no benefits. Blame hands away our power to the other person and it allows us to adopt a victim mentality. It is more appropriate to create self-awareness, notice the impact of the limiting belief, acknowledge it is a belief (not as the truth) and decide to replace it with a more empowering one. Defining Moments A defining moment is an important past event, often experienced when you were a child. What makes the event important is not the intensity, greatness or the significance of the event itself, but the importance you have given it by unconsciously forming a lifelong belief or set of beliefs around the event. Most adults have five to eight defining moments in their lives e.g. Julie’s partner got very drunk at their wedding and she formed the belief that her husband will always let her down at important events. Another example: James was told that he was a great artist by his teacher in second grade. He decided that he was artistic from then on. Once you have formed a belief from a defining moment, you hold on to it and search for evidence to strengthen the belief. If you have created an empowering belief, such as James did, this is great, but if you have latched onto a disempowering belief you are in real trouble, because over the years you build up so much evidence to support the belief that it becomes ingrained in you and you don’t even think to question it as an adult. The good news is that you can let disempowering beliefs go as we discussed above. You can’t change the past but you can change your interpretation of the past, and you can reshape your belief to serve, support, nurture and challenge you if you choose to. Answer the following questions for one of your defining moments: How old were you? What happened, who was there, and what was said? What did you tell yourself then? What belief(s) have you carried forward since then? What would you have wanted to happen? What belief(s) do you want to keep? What belief(s) do you want to change and what will you change it to? What will you be giving up if you don’t create the change? What is one thing you can do to reinforce the new belief(s) on a daily basis? Negative Sentence Starters Often these belief systems or mindsets are preceded by sentence starters such as these below. Go through the list and think about how often these phrases come up in your thinking. Write them down, and then write down an empowering statement to replace them with. I always... I never... They are.... I can’t... We are... I must... They must... My work is... My time is... My team is... There are times when I... Life is all about... I love... Success is... Teamwork is... Life is... Family is... Love is... She can... My parents are... He could... He is.... I am ... They are... I can.... I should... They should... I should have... If I hadn’t..... If only.... If I do this.........this will happen If I try this.......this will happen I can’t be a.... because ..... I can’t do......because.... I’ve always wanted to..... People always notice me when.... I think people always think (about me)..... Changing Beliefs and Behaviours Our beliefs and behaviours are constructed from our education, paradigm model, personal beliefs, attitudes, feelings and actions. They are determined by the knowledge and information we receive about ourselves and our lives. Based on this we construct our model of the world - our paradigm. This model then determines our beliefs, which, in turn, give rise to our attitudes then feelings. These then supports our actions. This is why it doesn’t work when we tell people to “not feel that way” or “not do that”. In order to change actions, feelings, attitudes or beliefs of ourselves or others, we must change our education and knowledge. This allows us to construct a new view of our world, a new model. This is referred to as a ‘paradigm shift’. When it occurs it allows us to believe, feel, behave, perceive and act differently. Education, which includes self-awareness, understanding and reframing of limiting/negative beliefs, is essential. When we get an understanding of the reason for a limiting belief, we can eliminate it and replace it with one that is empowering. The subconscious mind is simply a filing system which is non-judgmental. It only reacts to any negative event in the way that we have trained it to. It produces positive or negative responses to events based on the way in which such similar events and responses were filed in the past. These responses and feelings either help or hinder us. The response is Pavlovian (after Pavlov’s dog). This means that it is a conditioned response that is outside our control. The good news is that we can change the negative responses and associated negative self-image, by replacing the files that no longer serve us with empowering beliefs that do. How do we replace disempowering beliefs with empowering ones? Persistent thoughts on any subject open up memory pathways or channels in the brain that become bigger and more responsive, depending on the frequency and emotional impact of those thoughts. Frequently we train these pathways (dendrites) with our persistent self-talk. We are encouraged to listen to our self talk, to notice how damaging it can be. We do this to create awareness, followed by action to change it. We do not do it to create self-pity, which has no useful purpose. This inner self-destructive voice has been likened to our “gremlin”. The negativity can be overpowering. It is great to realise that it is only our sub conscious mind telling us stories that it has heard and filed. A summary of techniques used to place more empowering beliefs are placed in our minds are: Affirmations, visualizations, positive acknowledgement, rational analysis, reframing, creating new associations (anchors), replacing it with a more powerful belief system e.g. what God says about you. One technique you can use is to ‘catch yourself’ thinking a certain way or using a certain belief system and replacing that thought immediately with a positive belief e.g. using the example above, the next time you are asked to dance, tell your brain ‘no, I’m a confident dancer and I can do this’. Yes, it takes a bit of courage, but sometimes it is as simple as pushing through at the next opportunity to break that cycle. Write down your answers to these questions: 1. Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: “I will never have a lot of money.” 2. What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list. 3. What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that’s easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there. 4. What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: “I can make any amount of money I set my mind to.” Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future. 5. How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you? 6. How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process. (sources Transform Your World, Pathfinder Programme) Brain Washing? Some people become concerned and frightened by the thought of replacing their current negative beliefs with others. Their fear is that they will lose their identity. This does not happen. Our identity is more related to our values in life than our beliefs and consequent behaviours. We must remember that a belief is only sustained by the knowledge and information that create it. If we change the information, we change the belief. So, if we believe we are no good because our Mum/Dad told us repeatedly that we were useless and we now see that she/he did this to challenge and encourage us (even though it didn’t), then why not replace it with affirmations telling our mind that we are Wonderful, Amazing, and Brilliant? The alternative is to stay stuck with a limiting belief that could also be regarded as brainwashing. Why not have joy and happiness rather than disempowerment, resentment, frustration and anger? Changing your belief systems will literally change your life. Obstacles and fears that have long stopped you from living a fulfilled life can be defeated. New opportunities will open up to you and you will achieve goals more easily and often.  WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
When we are talking about boundaries in the context of people, we are talking about invisible lines between you and other people that you won’t cross and which others are not allowed to cross. Boundaries are usually based around our values and behaviours and how far we allow others to cross those. Another way to think of it is this; what behaviour will you tolerate from another person before you decide they have crossed the line?. To protect your own self esteem and confidence it is important to know how to set boundaries around what can be at times challenging and difficult people – particularly those who maybe critical, controlling, manipulative, overly negative, demanding or aggressive. Sometimes though it can be as simple as someone who always turns up at your house without calling first and stays way past their welcome. People with healthy boundaries have developed an identity separate and distinct from others and are not dependent upon others to nurture their personal and spiritual growth. When we need to absolutely put a boundary in place with someone (with kindness, love and respect but firmly), how they respond to that is their responsibility. Many people become angry or offended, or can become narcistic and blame shift. So be warned but be brave! The following is a list of characteristics that show you have healthy boundaries: HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
As believers the stronger we become in knowing our identity in Christ the easier it becomes to create firm boundaries. HOW DO I LET OTHERS KNOW WHAT MY BOUNDARIES ARE? You can use phrases like these: 1. I have a problem with...... 2. I don’t want to....... 3. I’ve decided not to...... 4. This is what I need...... 5. This is hard for me to say, however I...... 6. I understand your point of view but I (feel, want, need, would like you to.......) 7. When you......, I feel uncomfortable, so I would (like you to.....rather you did not, like to.......) 8. Yes, I do mind. 9. I’d prefer not to...... 10. It’s important to me that...... 11. I’ll think about it. 12. That is not acceptable to me. 13. I respect your opinion, but I cannot agree with you. 14. When you do.......I feel (uncomfortable, scared, unhappy etc). Please don’t do that again. REMEMBER: To use ‘I’ statements and language that explains how it is affecting you rather than accusing or blaming them e.g. "I love having you visit, but it would be great if you could text me to let me know you're coming." Another would be: "I'm really uncomfortable right now having this conversation about Susan when she is not here to defend herself. Perhaps we can talk about something else." SELF-HELP HOMEWORK 1. Where do I currently feel I have boundaries that are being crossed? 2. What is the boundary I would like to have in place? 3. How will I respond to that person or situation next time it is crossed? 4. What statement (with kindness, love and respect) can I use to respond to/or shift the situation? 5. Ask the Lord for wisdom for your particular situation. 6. If your boundaries are often violated, then there maybe mindsets, negative belief systems and trauma in play that require you receiving some healing. Understand that developing healthier boundaries (as with any life change) is a process, not an event. Thus, it will take time and practice. There are no quick fixes. However, healthy boundaries will lead to improved self-esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships. So the reward to your confidence and self esteem is worth it if you are persistent! |
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