There is something deeply unsettling about being in the presence of someone who speaks with harsh certainty, who pushes their opinion forward with force rather than grace. Their words may be loud, sharp, or judgment-laden, and even when they are convinced they are “right,” something in our spirit knows that the manner is not Christlike. If you’ve encountered people like this, you are not alone.

Jesus warned us that not all voices carry His heart, even when they carry religious language. And yet, as followers of Christ, we are still called to respond differently—to walk a narrow way marked by humility, gentleness, and love. Humility, from a Christian perspective, is not weakness. It is strength that bows. It is confidence that does not need to dominate. It is security rooted so deeply in God that we no longer need to prove ourselves to others.

A humble heart listens before speaking. It seeks understanding over victory. It speaks truth without aggression and holds conviction without contempt. This is the way of Christ. And when we respond to abrasive people with humility—choosing patience over reaction, gentleness over retaliation—something powerful happens. The atmosphere shifts. We are no longer pulled into striving. We remain anchored.

Scripture reminds us that a soft answer turns away wrath. Not because it appeases pride, but because it refuses to partner with it. Yet humility does not mean passivity. It does not mean enduring disrespect, judgment, or emotional harm in the name of love. Jesus Himself embodied perfect humility—and He also walked with clarity, authority, and discernment.
Which brings us to the tension many believers feel…

Humility with Boundaries — Keeping Your Heart While Keeping Your Ground

One of the hardest spiritual disciplines is this: keeping your heart right while drawing a necessary boundary.  It’s one thing to respond with grace. It’s another to remain tender when someone crosses the line into harshness, judgment, or control. Boundaries are not a failure of humility. They are often an expression of wisdom. Jesus did not argue with everyone who challenged Him. Sometimes He responded. Sometimes He corrected. Sometimes He withdrew. His humility never required Him to remain in harmful or unfruitful exchanges. The challenge for us is not whether to set boundaries—but how we do it.

When boundaries are set from a wounded or defensive place, bitterness can quietly take root. When they are set from pride, we may feel justified but spiritually unsettled. But when boundaries are set from a place of prayer, clarity, and love, they protect both our hearts and our witness. This is where the real inner work happens. Because even when our boundary is right, our heart can still be wrong.

It’s easy to replay conversations in our minds. Easy to rehearse what we should have said. Easy to allow irritation to linger and harden into judgment of our own. And suddenly, without realising it, we are no longer responding from Christ’s spirit—but reacting from our flesh. Guarding your heart means regularly bringing those emotions back to God. Naming them honestly. Releasing them intentionally. Choosing forgiveness even when distance remains.
-  Forgiveness does not mean access.
-  Love does not mean tolerance of harm.
-  Humility does not mean self-abandonment.
-  It means entrusting justice, validation, and outcome to God.

There is a quiet strength in saying, “I will not engage in conversations that become harsh or judgmental.”  There is maturity in stepping back without slamming the door. There is Christlikeness in remaining soft without becoming unsafe.

If you are walking this road, be gentle with yourself. Keeping your heart right is not a one-time decision—it is a daily surrender. Some days you will do it well. Other days you will need to repent, reset, and begin again. 
And grace covers that too.
The goal is not perfection.
The goal is alignment.
To walk as Jesus walked—humble, grounded, discerning, and free.

Family dynamics - they can be a joy or one of the most triggering and traumatising relationships in our lives. God's best for us is to enjoy wholesome, loving, restored relationship with our close and extended family.  For some of us, relationships are so damaged beyond repair that for our own wellbeing and safety we cannot return to them but must focus on our own healing and restoration. 

This article is prompted by a correction from the Lord with one of my family members.  We have been working on our relationship for quite some time because we both want to enjoy each other when we're together.  Part of this has required honesty from both of us, sharing the things that we have not understood and the things that have hurt us.  A little while ago when I was doing nothing of importance, the Holy Spirit cut right across my thoughts and gave me an insight that led to me being able to genuinely apologise with no strings attached or expectations on my part.  He said to me, 'you reacted the way you did because you were embarrassed, but you also took away that person's choices and placed yours upon them'.  I am hoping that apology has bought some closure for them. How different their life might have been if I hadn't done that.  The Lord in His mercy has still bought blessing out of it all.

So the point of my sharing this is this.  Restoration of family relationship can be hard work.  It takes time, prayer, vulnerability, forgiveness and humility.  It also takes a willingness to be shown the truth of a matter.  It had never entered my head that I had taken their choice away from them.  I was doing what I thought was right at the time.  GOD GAVE ME HIS PERSPECTIVE that carried no blame or condemnation, just an opportunity to ask for forgiveness and facilitate healing for the other person. 

We have all seen those movies where family members haven't spoken to each other for years.  Each declaring they are not going to be the one to reach out first.  Unwilling to forgive, unwilling to accept they may have been in the wrong.  It is time to reach out, to bring healing to our families.  It doesn't start with them.  It starts with US!  

I remember many years ago the Lord prompting me to write a letter to my parents asking their forgiveness for all the pain and worry I put them through when I was younger.  I had many justifiable reasons why I needn't have done that.  My parents really appreciated it but I didn't get the big reaction I was expecting.  You see, it wasn't so much for their benefit, as it was for mine and for my own healing and growth.  It needed to happen to remove a stumbling block in me.  Perhaps there is a small note you can send, a quick text asking for a get together, or a phone call.  The Lord will show you what to do.  It's time to eat humble pie!

Restoration begins with us, partnering with the Lord, seeking His insight and truth into our relationship breakdown, seeking our own healing in the first instance.  Letting go, because ultimately people come first and maybe it wasn't such a big deal after all. 

Our testimonies are stories of triumph over adversity of some kind. Working our way through offence can be one of the most challenging triumphs to achieve so sharing our stories with others often brings hope that you too can have the same triumph in your daily life. So here is one of my stories about journeying through offence. ​

A while ago I had an experience that required both loving as God commands us to love, and the necessity in this instance, to use discernment because it would have a wide and potentially serious consequence if the situation was not handled the right way. I was challenged on my assertion that we needed to use some discernment in this particular instance, (I had a huge check in my spirit) because other party felt that was being super spiritual and we are to ‘just love people’. And of course we are; the upshot of this for me is that it had me exploring how love and the exercise of discernment can flow together.
​

One of the biggest challenges of walking in true Godly love for each other is doing communication well. It is time for us to grow up from being children of God to being mature 'Sons' of God who handle our emotions and our communication well. 

On the grace end of that spectrum we can be carrying wounds and offences that interfere with how we respond to or communicate with people. That's where love comes in. It gives the benefit of the doubt and listens to the heart of the speaker, discerning what they are speaking out of e.g. a hurt they are carrying, brokenness, or just fleshy unrestrained behaviour. 

We are of course all in different parts of our journey, and sometimes we have off days when we just get our communication all wrong, but we are encouraged to strive for the building up of the Fruit of the Spirit in our lives and to exercise self-control. Honest, hard conversations can still be had with love, respect and honor. Should we be initially angry about something, that is understandable, but it should not remain that way. Always in difficult conversations God is also looking for how we are responding to the speaker. Love does not take offence when it understands that someone is speaking out of brokenness or woundedness but rather endeavours to preserve and build upon the relationship. 

Another area in our communication we can pay attention to is that of taking personal responsibility for how and who we get our information from.  We all know that gossip is a big no no. It never ceases to amaze me though how often we will believe something said without going to the person it is about and actually asking them for the truth and then we repeat it to others!  If we want to know something about somebody else go ask them, better yet go ask God first. If He doesn't answer us, we probably don't need to know!  A mature 'Son' does not allow the gossip and fleshy opinions of others sway their perception of a mutual friend or acquaintance. Love finds out the truth!

If we are lacking information and respond with 'nobody tells me anything'  - it's our responsibility to find out what we need to know.  If we want to know what is going in our family, don't we usually ask questions to find out?. 

Much of our gossip and judgement of others is OUR NOT TRUSTING THAT GOD knows what He is doing in other people's lives. 

Leaders and those with visible ministry or assignments for example, will often come under fire from those looking in from the outside. We make assumptions about what they are doing and judge whether God is in it or not.  When we don't understand the who, what, where, why and when of someone in or around our life, we must go and ask God first or ask them. Some of what we are called to be and do is between us and God and not for public knowledge. There is often a back story in people's journeys with God we may not be aware of and even then we may never know the full story. Trust that God knows what He is doing with the purpose and call on people's lives. If we react badly to who they are, perhaps that is an opportunity for some self reflection on our part. 

Very few people will take offence at a genuine enquiry for information or understanding as long as we respect that person's right to share only what they are comfortable with.  This is why getting to know one another is so important. 

Sorting out our differences with others can be daunting.  It can take quite a lot of courage to ring someone up and say 'hey can we have coffee, there's something I would like to talk over with you'.  If we need to, we can take a third party with us or ask a third party to speak on our behalf, but throwing tantrums, walking away in a huff, talking about people behind their back or giving the silent treatment are not mature Fruit of the Spirit.  

These are all Christianity 101 - let's handle our relationships well.