 The five most powerful things we need as human beings are these: to be loved, to belong, to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted. When these needs are unmet our self-worth and identity can be deeply affected. We can then subconsciously attempt to fulfil them in other ways and they can become an idol of identity for us. In truth only in our relationship with the Trinity can we find the complete fulfillment of all these needs. Growing up none of us are ever perfectly nurtured by our loved ones, and we have defining moments in our lives where these needs were unmet and have stuck with us into adulthood.
God has gifted us all individually and we all carry a unique toolbox comprised of a perfect combination of gifts, skills, talents and experience that we can use to express who God is to the rest of the world and to play our part in building his Kingdom. When the above needs are unmet and unhealed within us, our toolbox can become the means of affirming our identity and having those needs met e.g. the highly prophetic person who works the room until they are solely ministering to people, the person who is constantly sharing their spiritual encounters to prove their worth, or the prophet who loves the acclaim and importance of sharing their 'thus saith the Lord', or the one with the strong serving gift who is unable to be part of a team because they want full control. Their need to belong, be seen, heard and affirmed are found in their toolbox. While these people genuinely love the Lord, their ministry is marred by their woundedness and unmet needs. God never revokes the gifts, and he extends grace towards us, but his heart is also that we would truly know that we are loved, belong, are seen, heard, accepted and safe with him. It is common when working with my clients to identify younger ages when they got 'stuck' because of an experience when one of these needs was unmet and it has remained unhealed into adulthood. Let me give you an example. Five year old Susan was left at school because her mother forgot to pick her up. That experience left her feeling unseen and unsafe. Her mother may not have spent time reassuring and reaffirming Susan afterwards and simply picked her up, soothed her for a couple of minutes, and carried on home. This experience became a filter and a belief system within Susan that she now has to fight to be seen and safe. This could mean that she feels she has to be the centre of attention but within scenarios controlled by her so she feels safe. If something in her toolbox is useful for bringing her that attention, her identity can become wrapped up in that gift or talent because it meets a need that God is longing to fill her heart with. If you believe there have been some defining moments in your life where your younger self has got 'stuck', you can ask Jesus to identify them for you and to minister to that younger self, affirming that he is able to meet that need and that they (that younger self) can be safe with Jesus and grow into their adult self . (Let me know if you want more info on this process). One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to become brutally self-aware. We all have blind spots and weaknesses we cannot see in ourselves. Intimacy with God and a teachable spirit go along way towards hearing the loving, still small voice of correction to get you back on the right path. Having trusted friends who can call us out when we get off the path are also valuable. Often our healing only happens when something goes wrong and we are forced to confront the wounds. My heart is that people would be proactive in working on their healing with the Father before this happens. Because of his great grace and mercy he also understands that we are on the journey of appropriating our true identity in him. He never condemns and he never expects perfection. He looks at our hearts and honors our sincere efforts to be a blessing to others. He wants us to know the power, the joy and the blessing of using our toolbox in a way that is pure from a heart that knows they are loved, seen, heard, belong, accepted and safe. We are his delight, his beloved, his sons and daughters created in his image. We no longer receive our identity or self-worth from the world but from him. We are healed, all of our needs are met in him, and he loves it when we chase after that truth and make it a reality in our lives.
0 Comments
 ***TRIGGER WARNING*** this blog is about our little ones we have lost and a way to heal.
 This blog is a little longer than usual, but well worth the read. It is an extract from my self-development self-learning book, 'Marked by Passion, Destined for Purpose'.
Beliefs, Behaviours and Defining Moments At the foundation of successful achievements of our goals are our mindsets and self belief systems. If we believe we can achieve something we will do all that is necessary to work towards and achieve our goal. Should we come up against difficulties, setbacks and obstacles, we often see them as simply a temporary challenge to overcome and not a failure in itself and we press on towards our goal. They become learning opportunities which imprint in us ways to handle or overcome future situations in an easier and more successful way. We can have obvious and buried or sub conscious negative beliefs about ourselves or ability to succeed and reach our goals. If this is the case, then difficulties will always confirm that negative thought pattern or belief in us and we will surely fail. This reinforcing then tells us that we were right all along and so we give up. We all have both positive and negative mindsets and beliefs about ourselves and our world around us, and our ability to succeed or do well in our different life facets. We may have very positive beliefs about our parenting skills for example, but very negative ones about teachers and the education system. However, beliefs are not imprinted forever in psyches, but we often live our lives as if they were. Our mindsets and belief systems can be changed. This quote explains very well the hold and effect that a belief can have on us. A belief is NOT an idea that the mind possesses … It is an idea that possesses the mind! Did you know that our brains/minds on their own cannot actually discern truth from a lie. It is up to us to tell our mind what the truth of a matter is. Because most people do not understand this concept we often believe our own self defeating mindsets and accept them as absolute truth! (whether they are true or not). Beliefs are not facts, they are usually an emotional response to a situation or circumstance that has previously happened to us, or the acceptance by us of someone else’s opinion (whether true or false), that we have taken on board as our own. It may be a fact that you once lost three games of tennis in a row, but it is a belief that “I am useless at tennis”. The first is a fact and the second a belief. We have huge numbers of limiting beliefs and live our lives as though they were true without recognizing we are doing that. They limit who we can be, what we can do, who we can become. Examples of self limiting beliefs/mindsets are: I always get laughed at, I will never be able to run a business, I will never have nice friends, I can never go overseas, I should always be careful around men, people never like me because…., no one ever respects my choices, my bosses never talk to me and so on. The Source of our Beliefs Beliefs are usually formed and imprinted in our sub conscious mind, usually, but not always, in our childhood. A significant situation, circumstance, or comment may occur in our lives and based on our experience of that we then create a belief system or mindset around this and live our lives as if that were the truth. For example you may have always wanted to be a great dancer. However, one day as a young girl, your Dad comes into the room and finds you trying to ballet around the room. He’s in a bad mood and says something like: ’stop that stupid dancing, who do you think you’re trying to be you clumsy oaf’. A new belief kicks in that now says ‘I will never be a good dancer, I’m always clumsy’. You never from then on put yourself in a position where your dancing could be criticized again. The facts are that you were a child dancing in her lounge, and it was merely your father’s irritable opinion that you were clumsy. Any passion you had for dancing is now destroyed. It is not beneficial to assign blame to parents, teachers etc for our beliefs. Normally, adults do their best, with their own belief systems, to educate us. Sometimes they get it wrong. But often it is not what people say that gives us our beliefs; it is our interpretation of what they say. In either case, apportioning blame has no benefits. Blame hands away our power to the other person and it allows us to adopt a victim mentality. It is more appropriate to create self-awareness, notice the impact of the limiting belief, acknowledge it is a belief (not as the truth) and decide to replace it with a more empowering one. Defining Moments A defining moment is an important past event, often experienced when you were a child. What makes the event important is not the intensity, greatness or the significance of the event itself, but the importance you have given it by unconsciously forming a lifelong belief or set of beliefs around the event. Most adults have five to eight defining moments in their lives e.g. Julie’s partner got very drunk at their wedding and she formed the belief that her husband will always let her down at important events. Another example: James was told that he was a great artist by his teacher in second grade. He decided that he was artistic from then on. Once you have formed a belief from a defining moment, you hold on to it and search for evidence to strengthen the belief. If you have created an empowering belief, such as James did, this is great, but if you have latched onto a disempowering belief you are in real trouble, because over the years you build up so much evidence to support the belief that it becomes ingrained in you and you don’t even think to question it as an adult. The good news is that you can let disempowering beliefs go as we discussed above. You can’t change the past but you can change your interpretation of the past, and you can reshape your belief to serve, support, nurture and challenge you if you choose to. Answer the following questions for one of your defining moments: How old were you? What happened, who was there, and what was said? What did you tell yourself then? What belief(s) have you carried forward since then? What would you have wanted to happen? What belief(s) do you want to keep? What belief(s) do you want to change and what will you change it to? What will you be giving up if you don’t create the change? What is one thing you can do to reinforce the new belief(s) on a daily basis? Negative Sentence Starters Often these belief systems or mindsets are preceded by sentence starters such as these below. Go through the list and think about how often these phrases come up in your thinking. Write them down, and then write down an empowering statement to replace them with. I always... I never... They are.... I can’t... We are... I must... They must... My work is... My time is... My team is... There are times when I... Life is all about... I love... Success is... Teamwork is... Life is... Family is... Love is... She can... My parents are... He could... He is.... I am ... They are... I can.... I should... They should... I should have... If I hadn’t..... If only.... If I do this.........this will happen If I try this.......this will happen I can’t be a.... because ..... I can’t do......because.... I’ve always wanted to..... People always notice me when.... I think people always think (about me)..... Changing Beliefs and Behaviours Our beliefs and behaviours are constructed from our education, paradigm model, personal beliefs, attitudes, feelings and actions. They are determined by the knowledge and information we receive about ourselves and our lives. Based on this we construct our model of the world - our paradigm. This model then determines our beliefs, which, in turn, give rise to our attitudes then feelings. These then supports our actions. This is why it doesn’t work when we tell people to “not feel that way” or “not do that”. In order to change actions, feelings, attitudes or beliefs of ourselves or others, we must change our education and knowledge. This allows us to construct a new view of our world, a new model. This is referred to as a ‘paradigm shift’. When it occurs it allows us to believe, feel, behave, perceive and act differently. Education, which includes self-awareness, understanding and reframing of limiting/negative beliefs, is essential. When we get an understanding of the reason for a limiting belief, we can eliminate it and replace it with one that is empowering. The subconscious mind is simply a filing system which is non-judgmental. It only reacts to any negative event in the way that we have trained it to. It produces positive or negative responses to events based on the way in which such similar events and responses were filed in the past. These responses and feelings either help or hinder us. The response is Pavlovian (after Pavlov’s dog). This means that it is a conditioned response that is outside our control. The good news is that we can change the negative responses and associated negative self-image, by replacing the files that no longer serve us with empowering beliefs that do. How do we replace disempowering beliefs with empowering ones? Persistent thoughts on any subject open up memory pathways or channels in the brain that become bigger and more responsive, depending on the frequency and emotional impact of those thoughts. Frequently we train these pathways (dendrites) with our persistent self-talk. We are encouraged to listen to our self talk, to notice how damaging it can be. We do this to create awareness, followed by action to change it. We do not do it to create self-pity, which has no useful purpose. This inner self-destructive voice has been likened to our “gremlin”. The negativity can be overpowering. It is great to realise that it is only our sub conscious mind telling us stories that it has heard and filed. A summary of techniques used to place more empowering beliefs are placed in our minds are: Affirmations, visualizations, positive acknowledgement, rational analysis, reframing, creating new associations (anchors), replacing it with a more powerful belief system e.g. what God says about you. One technique you can use is to ‘catch yourself’ thinking a certain way or using a certain belief system and replacing that thought immediately with a positive belief e.g. using the example above, the next time you are asked to dance, tell your brain ‘no, I’m a confident dancer and I can do this’. Yes, it takes a bit of courage, but sometimes it is as simple as pushing through at the next opportunity to break that cycle. Write down your answers to these questions: 1. Which belief do you want to change? You need to be able to see it to work with it effectively. So write it down. For example, one limiting belief you might have is: “I will never have a lot of money.” 2. What has the belief cost you? Make a list of all the ways this belief has negatively impacted your life. Really think about it, because it helps to have as much negative ammunition to get rid of that old belief as you can get. Spend some time; it might even take a couple of days to get a complete list. 3. What advantages has the belief provided you? Maybe believing that you could never be wealthy has allowed you to avoid taking risks. Or perhaps it has allowed you to work at a profession that’s easy for you. It might be hard to figure out what the advantages are, but they are there. 4. What new belief would you like to have as a replacement? For example, for the belief listed above, a new replacement might be: “I can make any amount of money I set my mind to.” Be thoughtful and develop a new belief that will serve you well in the future. 5. How is the new belief better than the old belief? Come up with an emotionally charged list of ways in which the new belief will impact your life for the better. Consider how you would feel. What could you become? How would your lifestyle change? Would it help other people around you? 6. How can you start demonstrating the new belief today? Following our wealth-theme, it might not be the right time to plan the interior of your private jet just yet. What could you do right now? Make a plan to make more money? Start looking for a better paying job? Look for ways to invest the money you already have? Even a small change can help the process. (sources Transform Your World, Pathfinder Programme) Brain Washing? Some people become concerned and frightened by the thought of replacing their current negative beliefs with others. Their fear is that they will lose their identity. This does not happen. Our identity is more related to our values in life than our beliefs and consequent behaviours. We must remember that a belief is only sustained by the knowledge and information that create it. If we change the information, we change the belief. So, if we believe we are no good because our Mum/Dad told us repeatedly that we were useless and we now see that she/he did this to challenge and encourage us (even though it didn’t), then why not replace it with affirmations telling our mind that we are Wonderful, Amazing, and Brilliant? The alternative is to stay stuck with a limiting belief that could also be regarded as brainwashing. Why not have joy and happiness rather than disempowerment, resentment, frustration and anger? Changing your belief systems will literally change your life. Obstacles and fears that have long stopped you from living a fulfilled life can be defeated. New opportunities will open up to you and you will achieve goals more easily and often.  WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?
When we are talking about boundaries in the context of people, we are talking about invisible lines between you and other people that you won’t cross and which others are not allowed to cross. Boundaries are usually based around our values and behaviours and how far we allow others to cross those. Another way to think of it is this; what behaviour will you tolerate from another person before you decide they have crossed the line?. To protect your own self esteem and confidence it is important to know how to set boundaries around what can be at times challenging and difficult people – particularly those who maybe critical, controlling, manipulative, overly negative, demanding or aggressive. Sometimes though it can be as simple as someone who always turns up at your house without calling first and stays way past their welcome. People with healthy boundaries have developed an identity separate and distinct from others and are not dependent upon others to nurture their personal and spiritual growth. When we need to absolutely put a boundary in place with someone (with kindness, love and respect but firmly), how they respond to that is their responsibility. Many people become angry or offended, or can become narcistic and blame shift. So be warned but be brave! The following is a list of characteristics that show you have healthy boundaries: HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
As believers the stronger we become in knowing our identity in Christ the easier it becomes to create firm boundaries. HOW DO I LET OTHERS KNOW WHAT MY BOUNDARIES ARE? You can use phrases like these: 1. I have a problem with...... 2. I don’t want to....... 3. I’ve decided not to...... 4. This is what I need...... 5. This is hard for me to say, however I...... 6. I understand your point of view but I (feel, want, need, would like you to.......) 7. When you......, I feel uncomfortable, so I would (like you to.....rather you did not, like to.......) 8. Yes, I do mind. 9. I’d prefer not to...... 10. It’s important to me that...... 11. I’ll think about it. 12. That is not acceptable to me. 13. I respect your opinion, but I cannot agree with you. 14. When you do.......I feel (uncomfortable, scared, unhappy etc). Please don’t do that again. REMEMBER: To use ‘I’ statements and language that explains how it is affecting you rather than accusing or blaming them e.g. "I love having you visit, but it would be great if you could text me to let me know you're coming." Another would be: "I'm really uncomfortable right now having this conversation about Susan when she is not here to defend herself. Perhaps we can talk about something else." SELF-HELP HOMEWORK 1. Where do I currently feel I have boundaries that are being crossed? 2. What is the boundary I would like to have in place? 3. How will I respond to that person or situation next time it is crossed? 4. What statement (with kindness, love and respect) can I use to respond to/or shift the situation? 5. Ask the Lord for wisdom for your particular situation. 6. If your boundaries are often violated, then there maybe mindsets, negative belief systems and trauma in play that require you receiving some healing. Understand that developing healthier boundaries (as with any life change) is a process, not an event. Thus, it will take time and practice. There are no quick fixes. However, healthy boundaries will lead to improved self-esteem and increased intimacy in your relationships. So the reward to your confidence and self esteem is worth it if you are persistent!  The Fear of Failure: Embracing Grace and Growth
In our journey as believers, the fear of failure can often cast a large shadow over our aspirations and potential. This fear, while natural, can hinder us from fully living out our faith and embracing the abundant life promised to us in scripture. However, it's crucial to realize that failure is also an important part of our journey that can lead to growth, resilience, and a deeper understanding of God’s grace. Understanding the Fear of Failure The fear of failure can stem from many sources. Society often places tremendous pressure on us to succeed. We're inundated with images of perfection, success stories, and social media stories that can easily make us feel insecure and take us into self-doubt. A lack of affirmation, praise and encouragement for our efforts and achievements growing up, or criticism at every attempt rather than praise, or a one time massive failure event, can set us up for fear of failure and self-sabotage from then on. Our subconscious dialogue becomes one of self-protection and fear of change. If this is the case for you, you may need to seek healing. In the context of faith, fear may also manifest as anxiety over not meeting the expectations of others those we have set for ourselves. We worry about failing in our walk, at our jobs, in our relationships and at new ventures and assignments from God. It’s important to recognize that Jesus never intended for our walk with Him to be devoid of mistakes or setbacks. The Bible is filled with stories of individuals who faced significant challenges, encountered failures, and ultimately grew through their experiences. These challenges serve as reminders that our failures don’t categorize us; rather, they form part of our testimonies. God has never required perfection from us. Perfectionism, driven by the fear of failure, is a heavy yoke to carry, and God calls us to take His yoke instead, for His burden is light (Matthew 11:28-30). In Him, we find the freedom not to be perfect, but to be loved and sufficient in His perfect grace. Embracing God's Grace One of the most liberating truths in our faith is that we are under God’s grace. Romans 8:1 reassures us, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” This verse is a powerful affirmation that our standing before God is not based on our failures, but on Christ’s perfect righteousness. With this understanding, we can let go of perfectionism and embrace the idea that it’s okay to stumble. When we fail, instead of succumbing to fear, we can choose to view our failures as opportunities for growth. When we face difficulties, we are prompted to rely more on God’s strength and wisdom, leading us into deeper communion with Him. Each setback offers lessons that draw us closer to Christ, helping us to mature in faith and understanding. Many of us are stepping into new seasons in our lives, and the fear of failing at what God is calling us to can be quite overwhelming. We may have an inkling of what that looks like but the fullness of it could be too much if it was all revealed at once. Our total reliance on Him and His grace in these new seasons is vital. Nevertheless, even if we stumble, He is there to pick us up and carry us forward. Boldness, fearlessness, obedience and surrender are our key words for this moment. When you're anxious about what's ahead, remember Proverbs 3:5-6 (MSG), "Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track" and “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” – Isaiah 41:10 Steps to Overcome the Fear of Failure
Our God is a God of second chances. In the same way that Peter denied Christ yet was restored, we too can find redemption. Our failures do not disqualify us from His plans; they often catapult us into them. Imagine the testimonies that can arise from our struggles and failures! Each story is an opportunity to showcase God’s work in our lives, how He transforms our trials into triumphs. Moving Forward The fear of failure may be an inescapable part of our walk, but it doesn't have to define it. By embracing God's grace, shifting our perspectives, changing our mindsets and confessions, and being a part of community, and having an active prayer life, we position ourselves for personal growth and a deeper and more powerful relationship with Christ. Our journey may be one of twists and turns, but with every step, He is walking with us. So whatever inkling you might have of what God has ahead for you, let's be bold, brave and courageous, and trust in His plans, and say YES LORD! |
AuthorsFiona Dieleman Archives
December 2024
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed
Photo from abbilder
