![]() The five most powerful things we need as human beings are these: to be loved, to belong, to be seen, to be heard, to be accepted. When these needs are unmet our self-worth and identity can be deeply affected. We can then subconsciously attempt to fulfil them in other ways and they can become an idol of identity for us. In truth only in our relationship with the Trinity can we find the complete fulfillment of all these needs. Growing up none of us are ever perfectly nurtured by our loved ones, and we have defining moments in our lives where these needs were unmet and have stuck with us into adulthood. God has gifted us all individually and we all carry a unique toolbox comprised of a perfect combination of gifts, skills, talents and experience that we can use to express who God is to the rest of the world and to play our part in building his Kingdom. When the above needs are unmet and unhealed within us, our toolbox can become the means of affirming our identity and having those needs met e.g. the highly prophetic person who works the room until they are solely ministering to people, the person who is constantly sharing their spiritual encounters to prove their worth, or the prophet who loves the acclaim and importance of sharing their 'thus saith the Lord', or the one with the strong serving gift who is unable to be part of a team because they want full control. Their need to belong, be seen, heard and affirmed are found in their toolbox. While these people genuinely love the Lord, their ministry is marred by their woundedness and unmet needs. God never revokes the gifts, and he extends grace towards us, but his heart is also that we would truly know that we are loved, belong, are seen, heard, accepted and safe with him. It is common when working with my clients to identify younger ages when they got 'stuck' because of an experience when one of these needs was unmet and it has remained unhealed into adulthood. Let me give you an example. Five year old Susan was left at school because her mother forgot to pick her up. That experience left her feeling unseen and unsafe. Her mother may not have spent time reassuring and reaffirming Susan afterwards and simply picked her up, soothed her for a couple of minutes, and carried on home. This experience became a filter and a belief system within Susan that she now has to fight to be seen and safe. This could mean that she feels she has to be the centre of attention but within scenarios controlled by her so she feels safe. If something in her toolbox is useful for bringing her that attention, her identity can become wrapped up in that gift or talent because it meets a need that God is longing to fill her heart with. If you believe there have been some defining moments in your life where your younger self has got 'stuck', you can ask Jesus to identify them for you and to minister to that younger self, affirming that he is able to meet that need and that they (that younger self) can be safe with Jesus and grow into their adult self . (Let me know if you want more info on this process). One of the most powerful things we can do for ourselves is to become brutally self-aware. We all have blind spots and weaknesses we cannot see in ourselves. Intimacy with God and a teachable spirit go along way towards hearing the loving, still small voice of correction to get you back on the right path. Having trusted friends who can call us out when we get off the path are also valuable. Often our healing only happens when something goes wrong and we are forced to confront the wounds. My heart is that people would be proactive in working on their healing with the Father before this happens. Because of his great grace and mercy he also understands that we are on the journey of appropriating our true identity in him. He never condemns and he never expects perfection. He looks at our hearts and honors our sincere efforts to be a blessing to others. He wants us to know the power, the joy and the blessing of using our toolbox in a way that is pure from a heart that knows they are loved, seen, heard, belong, accepted and safe. We are his delight, his beloved, his sons and daughters created in his image. We no longer receive our identity or self-worth from the world but from him. We are healed, all of our needs are met in him, and he loves it when we chase after that truth and make it a reality in our lives.
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***TRIGGER WARNING*** this blog is about our little ones we have lost and a way to heal.
![]() For most of my adult life I have labored under a bondage of self-sabotage. For most of that time, it ticked away in the background of my life and I was totally unaware that it was in play, holding me back from new opportunities and new adventures. Growing up affirmation, praise and encouragement for my efforts happened rarely. It was more likely that any faults would be highlighted instead. As with many adults of my age group, this was simply a reflection of the environment our parents were raised in, and they did their best at the time. However, what this led to for me, was a subconscious self- protection and dialogue that said if you step out it's going to be painful. History has seen me go so far and no further in my efforts to save myself from failure, rejection, possible ridicule and disappointment. At work I would excel at my job but once I had mastered it I would begin to sabotage myself in some way and eventually change jobs. Even now, I am challenged afresh to overcome this stealthy enemy who wants to keep me back from my potential. What Self-Sabotage Looks Like: 1. Procrastination 2. Fear of failure, rejection, judgement, ridicule, disappointment 3. Fear of change and the unknown 4. Allowing yourself to be distracted 5. Making excuses 6. Perfectionism 7. Self-destructive behaviours 8. Unwarranted fears 9. Negative self-talk that lessens who you are, the gold in you, and disqualifies your efforts 10. Comparing self with others, ''there's always someone else who can do it better than me'' 11. Giving up before even trying 12. Starting something new without finishing other projects 13. Choosing something lesser when being offered something you've always desired 14. Foretelling a negative outcome before it happens 15. Being vulnerable to voices around you that just want to pull you down and hold you back 16. Double-mindedness, hesitancy, unable to make a decision 17. Wasting time on social media or other non productive activities 18. Listening to the lies of the enemy Low self-esteem, past failures and traumas, and not fully understanding our identity in Christ can be predominant contributors to our self-sabotage. But the good news is that our identity is not found in failure, fears and traumas - it is found in the faithful endless love and grace of a loving God who is only ever strengthening us and encouraging us along the way. Most of our sabotaging behaviours have come about because of not truly knowing who we are and how God sees us. A good first step is to keep developing your intimate relationship with him, and spending time with him allowing him to bring you insight, wisdom and healing. You may also need to get practical help through prayer, counselling or other emotional/trauma healing modalities, or even deliverance. Some of these behaviours may have generational roots that need addressing. Identifying our negative mindsets and beliefs about ourselves is the next step in getting back control of our potential and our future. I always say to people, 'catch yourself thinking the wrong thought, then tell your brain the truth it is supposed to know' (and this is always what God says about us). Our brain is like a computer, it doesn't know right from wrong, so it will only spit out what is fed into it. So changing our thought life is the very 'renewing of the mind' the Bible speaks of in Romans 12:2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Our confession is just as important as our thought life. Our words will express what we believe, and what we believe is what we will expect, and what we expect is what we will manifest in our life. Our negative words of doom and gloom are as creative coming out of our mouth as they were coming out of God's when he spoke and created the earth. Declaring God's truth and promises, and your own words of encouragement and affirmation over yourself daily will help you to keep a positive perspective about your world and your potential. Remember this is a journey. You will have set backs and failures and mishaps along the way. But God encourages us to get up and keep running the race. 2 Chronicles 15:7 But as for you, be strong and do not give up, for your work will be rewarded.” On a more practical level set realistic goals and a determination within yourself to be disciplined and intentional about completing them. Self-sabotage can simply become a bad habit and a deep rut we have fallen into and so it will take some intentional effort to change that. Look at where you are afraid of moving forward, or stepping into, or completing. What patterns can you recognise through your life where you have wanted something but have pulled back in some way? What is the next step you can take to begin again? Ask a friend to be an accountability and encouragement partner for you. A genuine desire to be free and to change will always be enhanced by God's help and strengthening if we ask him. Social media is very adept at getting us to compare ourselves with others. The constant barrage encouraging us to be everything but our own unique God-created selves has become a powerful destroyer of our own potential. Limiting our intake of all of this negativity can only help us to keep positive outlooks and beliefs about ourselves. Ask your friends to tell about the gold they see in you, write it down and alongside that describe the gold you see in yourself. What do you like about yourself? What do you know you are capable of doing? What promises has God already given you? What are the prophetic dreams and words you've had over you? There is more gold in you than you think. Comparison is a terrible thief. It tells us we don't measure up in some way, we're not good enough, somebody else has already done it or done it better than I can. It leads to fear judgement and rejection and cause the self-sabotaging mechanism to kick into action. The truth is that each of us is unique - we each are one of a kind with our own special set of experience, skills, knowledge, gifts and call. It does not matter who we compare ourselves with because because the truth is there is no one to actually compare ourselves too. I recently caught myself comparing myself with someone else. Yes, I could emulate some of the things she does for her ministry, but the truth is that she has her own 5000 to minister to that is very different to my 5000. We each bring what the recipients of each of our ministries need at any particular time. We are not in competition, but rather we can complement what we each do, or we are a piece of God's larger picture required for the whole body of Christ. So comparing ourselves is really a pointless exercise that will only drag us down. So let's kick that self-sabotage to the kerb where it belongs and step out with boldness and bravery into what each of us is called to be and do. Closing the door on Fear. What is fear anyway? Fear is an unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm.
Fear can cause us to FIGHT | FLIGHT | FREEZE God’s had His finger on this issue in my life lately. When I become aware of fear, I either run away or freeze up. I knew it is time to lean in to what Father is saying to me about fear. He wants me whole and well. By now, I’m well aware how much fear has robbed me of all kinds of possibilities, but I wanted to know why I have this problem with fear. This has been a known enemy to me for as long as I can remember. Fear comes in when there are doors of destruction open inside of us. For me it’s mostly jammed open because of trauma. When we started going deeper and investigating the causes, I can honestly say, I didn’t like it. It is only because I knew God wants to heal me completely from those traumas, that I’m persevering and surrendering. I trust Father more and more as I see evidence of His good nature towards me. I would like to share with you what I’ve learnt so far in how to deal with these open doors. I hope that this will encourage you to seek Father if you are struggling with fear. IDENTIFY THE DOOR AND CALL OUT THE FEAR COMING FROM IT There are doors in my life that I’ve chosen to forget. It’s too painful and I’d rather have them buried deep so they are out of sight out of mind. But the thing is, the longer it sits there, the more it festers and influences many areas in my life. I know that God has me covered. I trust Father has a good reason for taking me to those doors. So it’s okay to identify and call out those fears. CONFRONT THE FEAR WITH THE WORD OF GOD The Word of God is a double edged sword so by decreeing God’s word, I cut away the lies. 2 Tim 1:7 says that God has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind. What this looks like to me is that I can confront that fear coming from that door and renounce it. Fear is not part of my identity! But power, love and a sound mind is! So, I then choose to love more and focus on what is good and positive. 1 John 4:18 says that God’s perfect love drives out fear. I’ve noticed when I feel fear rise up in me it is because I lack a manifestation of love around me. It’s not always possible to get love from everyone. We are all human, but God is Love. I choose to sit in His love. I often ask Father to give me tangible love. I need to feel it not just know it. Like today, I was completely overwhelmed by His loving touch. It was like His presence hugged me. I cried hard, not because I was sad, but because it was overwhelmingly beautiful! Only He can move me like this. Because of my experiences with Father, I know that He is always with me and that He will never leave me. (Heb 13:5-6). When my love tank is full, I notice fear isn’t ruling my emotions. FORGIVE, RELEASE, BLESS. REPEAT I’ve asked Father how do I forgive when I still feel the pain and trauma. See, it’s easy to forgive when pain and trauma isn’t attached to it. Jesus said to bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you (Luke 6:28). I wanted to rebel against this. It’s a crazy idea! I got angry, because I had other ideas about dealing with these people that hurt me. But then I had a change of heart. Maybe, I should try it Jesus’ way. Whenever Holy Spirit brings someone up, I would forgive them, ask Father to bless them more than me and then I would release them. Sometimes I have to repeat this process more for some than others until my heart truly aligns and brings me to a place where I really mean it and feel that release myself. In some cases, I would kick against this process because all kinds of uncomfortable emotions rise up like anger. I don’t feel soft towards that person at all. That’s when it becomes a choice – I have to forgive. I have to remember the bigger picture. The thing is. If I don’t forgive, that trauma can’t be healed properly, and therefore that door stays wide open for fear to have free access to me. Over the last few years, I’ve been going through this process a few times. It was the hardest to forgive myself. I’m still in that process. I didn’t realise that I held a grudge towards myself, until I become aware that I beat myself up quick and harshly and constantly. I realized the intensity of this when a friend told me to look at myself in the mirror and say to myself, Venessa, I love you. I told my friend that it’s a crazy idea! I actually got mad, and then I had so many questions, like why am I getting upset about this? My reaction is crazier! Then the penny dropped. Oh Lord, help me to forgive myself. FORM A HABIT OF COURAGE Lastly. Fear is a habit, but so is courage! I choose courage. Overcoming fear and staying above it, has not been easy for me. I’d rather run away, but I know it won’t help, so I choose to be brave and let Holy Spirit lead me to every door that needs to be closed. By now, I’m quicker to go through this process and not allowing a door to stay jammed open. Keeping the doors to fear shut, is a practice that continues. It becomes easier and quicker with practice. Perseverance is paying off. I’ve become more whole and stronger. I’m becoming who I am supposed to be. ............................................................................................................................................................................................... Venessa Smart is a very special friend, a creative and a prophet, who has given me endless encouragement and friendship over the last several years, and it is an honor to post this testimony of a part of the journey she has been on. It is her hope that this article blesses someone else. In my pursuit for growth I have often had moments when I have had a realisation of some of my dark sides, these moments are sometimes breathtakingly painful. If you are serious about developing yourself and the art of self leadership you would have had these moments too. It might be a random conversation, an article, a post or a friend calling you out. (Picture by artofkleyn.co.za)
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