I'VE LEARNT TO ENDURE MYSELF

Somewhere on the airwaves the other day I heard someone say 'I've learnt to endure myself'
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I thought that was an odd thing to say but it really got me thinking. It got me thinking about how tough the last 7 years has been for my family and I as we have had various changes and difficulties to plow through. These included selling our business, going through burn out, buying/selling our house, seeing the first born leave home and other challenging issues.

I realised that I had learnt to endure the changes but I had also learnt to endure myself when I wasn't a particularly nice person during some of it and didn't really like who I was or what was coming out of me from time to time.

Anyway I went looking on Mr Google and I found this quote.  It so eloquently describes for me the process I've been going through, at times so raw and painful I really didn't know what to do with myself. Mr Google also told me that I had 'carried on through, despite the hardships'. However I can genuinely thank God that I/we are beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

To endure oneself may be the hardest task in the universe. You cannot hire a wise man or any other intellect to solve it for you. There's no writ of inquest or calling of witness to provide answers. No servant or disciple can dress the wound. You dress it yourself or continue bleeding for all to see.  (Frank Herbert)

I can also honestly say that though it's been tough, it has I think, made me a better person. When we have to confront ugly stuff and battle through tough stuff, we can either let it bend us or break us. I think it has made me a more adaptable, compassionate person who doesn't sweat the small stuff as much as she used to.

So I found myself asking what did it actually mean to 'endure myself' and what have I learned in the process? These are some of the things I came up with:

• Whenever I could I told my loved ones how much they meant to me.
• When I lost the plot, I always apologised even if I felt I wasn't in the wrong, because restoring relationship is more important than being right.
• I held on to the hope that we/I were in a process and there was light at the end of the tunnel, and we were becoming different and stronger as individuals and a family unit. 
• I was real with close friends and shared what I was going through, because their outside perspective kept me grounded.
• I gave myself permission to feel hurt, confused, stressed and raw, but didn't give myself permission to dwell there.
• I had to learn that sometimes what you're going through is horrid but nothing compared to what the person in front of you is enduring.
• I had to get over expectations I had put on others, and learn to give freedom to them to experience their own journey. 
• I was kind to myself.  When I had reached my limit, I did something that refreshed and relaxed me.
• I cried and asked for hugs when I needed to, and gave them to others when I didn't want to.
• Because I'm a person of faith, I prayed an awful lot.  There are some things you can only tell God.

I'm by no means perfect.  I failed in this process more times than I succeeded, but I like the person I am becoming because of it.

(If you are really struggling, feeling depressed or in a deep state of overwhelm, please seek professional help. Sometimes the battle is too hard to win on our own).

Take care of yourself
​Fiona